Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
