drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
