I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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