I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
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FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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