I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
