the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
