I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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