Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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