She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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