I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
