i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
