i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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