I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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