just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
