if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The ass gains better be worth it
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