My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
