well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
