new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
