More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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