You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
