8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
