you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
