Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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