I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
