i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
