my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
