I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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