There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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