Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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