There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
