Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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