I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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