Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
