There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
