I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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