If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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