Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
