if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
