I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
