I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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