Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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