Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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