This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
