I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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