someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
