dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
