i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
