She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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