he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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