I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
