So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
