Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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