If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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