and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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