dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
