I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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