she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
