So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
