woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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