Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
